How long does it take for someone to truly know themselves? Especially if they've changed directions, cities, friendships, ...careers, all their life? At each juncture, the definitions change.., alter, 'till the line is blurred between what's real and what's potentially possible. I know this to BE true. I've lived in this transition, all of my adult life.
I've been in the desert of New Mexico, now, six years this March. And, with the exception of living in the NYC area from '94 till '06, this is the longest I've lived at a singular address since leaving home for college in '75. I haven't been in any location, ever, longer than five years, 'till now. You would think that after living such a nomadic life, that this would be the moment of most clarity. You would think that, wouldn't you? But duration hasn't produced any more enlightenment than the pursuits and transitions.
Perhaps what I'm seeking, searching for, is beyond this realm.., and not found in careers, friends, family..., or the desert. Seems to me, it's time to consider that what has kept me from knowing the WHY of my existence, is..., well..., ME.
I can continue to wax philosophically about this forever.., or choose to give in and become silent to this ever beckoning call and attempt, once and for all, to live life normally, as so many seem to do quite successfully. But after a lifetime of searching, which choice is truly ME?
I need to answer this question.., SOON.
My LIFE depends on it.