Friday, January 18, 2008


It's been quite awhile since I wrote a blog that's truly about what I'm thinking. I find others words that highlight some of my emotions, but seldom all of them. While that's good, especially if my intention is to stay hidden, it's really unsatisfying especially when I need to build on what's truly going on, rather than the illusion (or pale comparison) of what's really happening in my heart, mind and soul. I suspect I'm not the only one 'hiding' and still needing to be understood.

Lately, I've been listening and for those that have a little history with me, you know what that means. When I 'listen', I take in as much information as possible from as many 'disconnected' sources as possible and look for common themes. When I'm listening, like this, I appear disinterested and seemingly have very little to say when I'm engaged. It's the farthest from the truth. What I don't do is ever talk about the minor issues of life when I know that most 'troubles' are rarely the subjects we choose to share openly and honestly. So, why just talk about the weather, when what's really going on is the 'fear of storms' that always has us discussing the weather patterns?? If we would just address 'fear' and call it what it really is, we can cease having these minor conversations about 'weather'. While 'listening' at this level, what I find is that GOD is in the whisper, the details that most overlook in their desire to always pursue 'the next big thing'. GOD is hidden beneath the discussions that usually pass for true fellowship. So, what have I learned, while listening?

What I've seen of late is a restlessness. It's all over the world, especially, but lately it's started to invade the houses of the Lord. For those that are not schooled in biblical speak, I'm talking specifically about restless souls in the church. I know, I know, nothing new here. But let's look a little deeper at this latest restless spirit that's filling our pews. This isn't the usual diversions or wandering minds that often betray a soul that's not fully (truly) converted. This isn't the age old war over doctrine or a battle of conservatism vs. liberalism. This latest restlessness comes only after all of that has been settled in one's heart and you've found a church, a teacher, a wife (or husband) and you might even have financial stability.., and yet, you feel like you're not being utilized to the fullest. You pray for God to speak DIRECTLY to you, not through the counsel of any other, and for once, make it plain what it is that you are to do with your conversion and salvation. You need to KNOW before you take another step in any proverbial direction, that GOD is with you, fully and completely, or what's the point of moving an inch without His Sovereign Say So!! Without that assurance, an ambivalence sets in. Doubt creeps in after that and without fail, a restless heart. One not born out of anger or fear.., but out of sheer under-utilization.

This blog isn't the solution to this dilemma. All I could expect in this sitting is to identify the problem I've been having with 'fitting' into the usual pattern of bible study, prayer meetings, wednesday night services and sunday worships. They all seem so futile, especially when they seldom address the restless heart. You know what I'm blogging about if while singing hymns like 'Turn your eyes upon Jesus' you're painfully aware that these hymns no longer fully address what you're feeling and thinking about anymore, if they ever did. I might be out here on a limb, alone, but I'm tired of pretending that I have any other conversation that's more important to me, save the one that I'm thinking of most times...,
'LORD, HERE I AM.., USE ME'.., or I fear You might 'lose me', as well, into this sea of restless souls that grows larger and larger each passing day. This blog is my feeble attempt to share my heart in true confession and reveal how I pray to find ultimate utitilization for all the gifts, talents and attributes in me, or find the ability to live with never knowing, if that be His Will for me.

I'll close now. But pray I get to dialogue deeper and further, if anyone's listening.