I haven't had an opportunity to watch any television since the first few weeks of the new year. The last time I've gone this long without my normal viewing patterns was when I was in boot camp in the AirForce in the early 80's! Being in the desert like this has caused many emotions to surface and without my normal distractions, I'm left to do battle with my alter egos without interuption. I've been made to realize that I am being given a rare opportunity to see not only the man I used to be and at times, still am, but more importantly, a chance to really visualize the man I truly wish to become.
The fact that this 'gift' is being given to me in this, the beginning of my 50th year of existence, is especially humbling. So many of my brothers and sisters have been an encouragement to me, 'tho some may think their kindness and consideration haven't quite 'touched' me, or may have seemingly gone unnoticed, I assure them all.., "I heard them".., and most importantly, "I've felt them." I am loved by many and I don't think I've ever fully allowed that love to fill meup to overflowing. I have a habit of deflection and also of giving away more than I allow myself to receive. But, I need to acknowledge and I want to say to those who've written or called me personally to encourage me during this extended sabbatical, that I'm grateful beyond measure and truly thankful.
I am making this a public moment of confession and declaration that once again, my purpose is to:
BeLIGHT more than I allow myself to be in that dark place of hopelessness and despair.
BeLIGHT in my attitude and in my heart.
BeLIGHT on this new path rather than lurking in the shadows of doubt and self-awareness.
BeLIGHT in my demeanor as oppose to the dour man I can so easily become.
There's much joy happening all around me. Friends finding true love for the first time, new births, physically and spiritually, new music and new expressions in art and the written word from other talented souls equally on their ownjourneys of discovery. There's a world of possibilities that I fear I've been only paying lip service to, as my heart clinched in anger at what Icouldn't acheiveinmy own strength and on my own time-table. So, in closing,I think it's fitting that I share one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies,'CHOCOLAT'that seems most appropriate, now, more than ever.
"Do I want to speakof the miracle of our Lord's divine transformation? Not really,no.I don'twant to talk about his divinity. I'd rather talk about his humanity.I mean,you know, how he lived his life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, his *tolerance*...Listen,here's what I think. I think that we can't go around...measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist,and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include."
BeLIGHT, Dear Friends.
Brother, `EDEN Douglas