59

16 July 2016

BRACE YOURSELF. No, not for the news that I'm turning 59 on Saturday, cause if you've been close to me, at all, you know I don't keep my real age a secret. No, brace yourself for this next bit of news/revelation: 

I'M LEAVING THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.  

It's time to press pause. As much as I've loved my work in film/tv, when I've gotten to work, in all honesty, the infrequency of jobs and the quality of those jobs makes it nearly impossible to have a decent life and in the immortal words of my late friend and mentor, musician Shirley Horn: "I will not stoop (any longer) to conquer." Simply put, unless I'm driving my OWN PROJECT, I can't afford to just 'stand' in the midst of anyone else's vision, any longer. It's not profitable to my soul or my pocketbook. 

Fact: Prior to moving to New Mexico in 2007, I had only worked ONE DAY as a non-union actor/stand-in, in my whole career since 1992. And while I did what I had to do, once in NM, to survive and interact with the caliber of actor that I was called upon to work with it, there wasn't one moment of any of that work that I felt truly valued.., or respected, which showed all too often in the failure to be credited, professionally, for the work I had done so tirelessly. So when I would inevitably struggle financially between jobs, was anyone really surprised, when I have given so much for so little in return? My poverty of riches only mirrored the state of my soul and I'm sure most wondered just how long I would remain at a table where I obviously no longer belonged, waiting for the 'scraps' leftovered from those that prospered at my (and others like me) expense. 

Turning 59 is CLARITY because in one calendar year, I'll celebrate another milestone, entering a new Decade of Life, God willing, and I'll be damned if I'm sitting at the same table, in the same seat, then. 

So the Changes I must make, must start NOW. 

Happy Birthday to Me.

 

 

LOVE Request

LOVE one another, as I have Loved You ....

Wake Up .., and LIVE !!!

I haven't been myself lately.

In fact, I've been someone altogether different. I've allowed fear, frustration and finality to reign supreme in my mind.., which governs my soul. And all the while I was living beneath my privilege, my inalienable rights as a Believer..,and worse, I've sought counsel from other fear mongers who only know how to cheat the system and find shortcuts that pattern faith but ultimately cannot emulate FAITH's Power.

No MORE. Not Again. EVER.

I might not have the riches that so many squander on a regular basis to buy their shallow lives, but I be damned if I sit in envy of them, anymore.
I've been afflicted in every way imaginable, all in a concerted effort to silence my passion for my own vision and my own rhythm, in hopes that I would continue to deny the very reasons I left New York City for the ascetic confines of my desert abode.
I've tried to be inclusive, slowing down my vibrations so others could see clearly.., finally hear me and understand me.., and all I've gotten in return was an anemic soul.

No MORE. Not Again. EVER.

If I have to crawl into my PROMISED LAND, I will not be denied.., or run off like some vagrant who doesn't know his name is on the deed of the very land everyone else is poaching and calling their own.

No MORE. Not Again. EVER.

I am on a Mission. I have been all my Life.

It's time to take up my mantle, again.., and LIVE !!!

... peace

... peace

Elusive. Precious. Impermanent. But necessary for everything we ever hope to accomplish.
 

Whatever is created outside of 'peace' has a limited shelf life, at best. Without the core of peace, whatever we earn, we purchase, we give away.., NEVER lasts. The warranty had a miniscule print that should have been heeded ... 'Use quickly and sparingly because this is transitory.'
 

I'm in a transition that from the outside looking in, seems to be all about money..., but I want you all to know, that I KNOW it's really about creating LASTING PEACE.

Everything that's temporary, transitory, impermanent.., has to go.

BE LED BY THE SPIRIT.., again.

"This is my commitment.., to live up to the Spirit that is in me."

Many will read that statement and erroneously believe that they and their Spirits are one and the same.., connected at the cognitive level. But I ask, were you not guided by SPIRIT long before you were aware?
If so, when did you merge and become ONE?
As we age, we become vain in our thinking, in our belief that WE are in sole control of our lives.., our destiny. We speak all too often for the SPIRIT in us, reducing those directives to things we can 'understand' or 'accept'. 

Our LIVES can be better if we simply re-commitment to LIVE UP TO THE SPIRIT THAT IS IN US.

LISTEN: JONNY LANG: FIGHT For My SOUL

JONNY LANG: Fight For My Soul

BrotherEDEN on PEACE ...

BrotherEDEN on PEACE ...

So, you might have noticed the writings on Peace of late.

I'm not sure when the idea started, but I'm certain of it's evolution. I wish, not for the sake of vanity but for clarity, I had a video representation of my journey. I know we've become a visual culture with the attention span of sound bites rather than the unfolding of novels that most lives represent. So I wish I could show you my journey. From darkness to LIGHT, poverty of soul and riches, homelessness in pursuit of a dream, love unrequited and unfulfilled, lessons taught from the pit, reinforcement given to selfish and self-centered wanderers who left fuller than they came while I remained the same.., yes, the visual would have to be sufficient because there's no way I could tell it all.

The thoughts I've been writing on Peace about Peace come after years of never fully having it as a sustained presence.., only the illusion of it, while I isolated myself from even from the idea of a challenge to my self-imposed Peace, where only I aged inside my bubble, while I shared about a life lived, but recognized daily, that it was a life unfinished. What's next? I haven't a clue. I'm not engaged in anyone's life completely. I can't say for certain where I'm needed.., if I'm needed.., or what's left for me to truly do.., that's engaging enough to draw me out and into the chaos, again. I don't think it can possibly be a 'thing' that would be able to do that, anyway, being a man moved more by relationship than opportunity.

But here I sit.., and type, wishing I could share the images in my head rather than, at times, only the words of my heart.
But for now.., the Heart will have to do.

PEACE. May it find us all, at the right moment, in time.

Neil Gaiman - Inspirational Commencement Speech at the University of the...

MAKE GOOD ART

The FIRST DAY of 2013

How long does it take for someone to truly know themselves? Especially if they've changed directions, cities, friendships, ...careers, all their life? At each juncture, the definitions change.., alter, 'till the line is blurred between what's real and what's potentially possible. I know this to BE true. I've lived in this transition, all of my adult life.
I've been in the desert of New Mexico, now, six years this March. And, with the exception of living in the NYC area from '94 till '06, this is the longest I've lived at a singular address since leaving home for college in '75. I haven't been in any location, ever, longer than five years, 'till now. You would think that after living such a nomadic life, that this would be the moment of most clarity. You would think that, wouldn't you? But duration hasn't produced any more enlightenment than the pursuits and transitions.
Perhaps what I'm seeking, searching for, is beyond this realm.., and not found in careers, friends, family..., or the desert. Seems to me, it's time to consider that what has kept me from knowing the WHY of my existence, is..., well..., ME.
I can continue to wax philosophically about this forever.., or choose to give in and become silent to this ever beckoning call and attempt, once and for all, to live life normally, as so many seem to do quite successfully. But after a lifetime of searching, which choice is truly ME?
I need to answer this question.., SOON.
My LIFE depends on it.

Birth 2012 Trailer

12.12.12

12.12.12

16 years ago, after a week of binge drinking, I awoke and saw a reflection in the mirror that startled me. I saw clearly my father's face staring back at me.., and I vowed then and there to never see that reflection, again. I found an AA Meeting and began the slow journey of recovery and restoration. I post this, on the eve of my 16th Anniversary of Sobriety to allow all my friends in the various time zones to read my words of testimony and encouragement.

Whatever you're believing, praying, hoping will change.., CAN change, if you just approach the transition.., ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Sobriety has NOT made me wealthy.., nor has it been the catalyst for all of my dreams and visions coming true. In fact, things are oftentimes, unbearable. But through it all, by not drinking my cares and troubles away.., I live to fight another day.., with a clear mind and a sound heart. And, no matter what others might say, that is the point of it all.
SOBRIETY is it's own reward.
Everything else comes by Prayer and Supplication.., if you're clear enough to remember what you truly desire.

BrotherEDEN

SAUDADE

Saudade is a Portuguese word that doesn't have a literal English translation.
It's an expression of the feeling of missing some one or some thing...

After 9-11, I felt SAUDADE.., and I knew I needed to leave NYC in pursuit of that 'some thing' I was missing there.., but it wasn't until 2006 when I visited New Mexico that I began to discover my heart and soul, again.

The Journey continues.., arduous, anchoring and often alienating.., but awakening, all the same.

I'm still here after all this time.., 'tho I look up and out and wonder just where I might wander to, next?

Any suggestions?

 From 2007, age 50, seven months into my sojourn in the desert of New Mexico.

BE YOU

BEattitude: "Knowing WHO you are is your only defense against being led onto a false path. BE very careful needing a community to inform your every decision.
You are ultimately responsible for what's been entrusted to you to create and accomplish.
Prepare NOW to stand in the end and BE Confident that you did ALL you were CALLED to Do."

I UNDERSTAND

I feel someone right now needs to remember that the best mentors are those that can empathize with your struggle.., not just express sympathy from a lofty pedestal.., or pulpit.

BEattitude: “How can I BE disappointed by your behavior, when all that’s in you, is also in me?
To speak against your darkness, effectively, only means I recognize the patterns and the behavior and their familiarity is troubling and seeing you at your worst unsettles me.
So my instinct is to criticize…
but my obligation is to say, “I Understand”…
so that you might Know and Believe there’s LIGHT, as reflected in me, at the end of your tunnel, too.”

TIME

BEattitude: "We all try, even when we appear not to, to see our way clearly.
If only we had time to allow the mud to settle, the water to clear BEFORE we engage others, have children, accept that promotion.., commit the precious time away that's needed to see our way clear. In the business of Living Life, especially Full Lives, we forget to spend time with the One that's at the center of everything we desire to achieve.
No, not God.., OURselves.
Being Designed to BE an Instrument of Peace, Love and Compassion to the World, we fail miserably in doing so when we forget that We are the first recipient of our own Peace, Love and Compassion. It's True, you can't Give Away what you don't possess or value internally. In lieu of those qualities we wish to impart, we pass along doubt, despondency, listlessness and a host of other undesirable qualities.
If only we gave ourselves Time.., for the mud in our lives to settle.., and the water to BEcome clear."

Oh WHITNEY

Goodbye Whitney.

THOUGHTS

BEattitude: "Do you own scholarship on your sacred traditions. BE sure that what you BELIEVE to BE Truth and Fact, is borne out of the Truth, not a distortion for political, economic or religious gain. Too much of our History is tainted, tarnished and transmuted and we build on those fallacies ideologies that are destined to fail us when we need them most.
IS THAT YOUR THOUGHT YOU'RE THINKING?"

GOOD REPORT

BEattitude: "How often do we give a Good Report?...
Now, reflect on the last question you were asked and your immediate response.
All too often we answer unconsciously and automatically and those responses don't portray our true Heart or our Intention.., or do those answers betray the image we've created of ourselves?
Pause for a moment and consider that if your immediate response isn't a Good Report.., delay that answer, till you're certain you can give one.
We create that which we speak, dispense and repeat the most often.
BEing Truthful, at the cost of our Peace or the Creation of Our Well Being, seems like a hollow victory. Sometimes 'keeping it real' keeps us stuck in the quagmire of our dysfunction.
Resist the urge with me to speak or perform unconsciously and practice a week of Good Reports and let's just see what happens."

The CUE

BEattitude: "My first thought this morning of was of a 'tight' space.., a narrow passage. I saw in this impasse, a log jam of souls straining to reach through to the other side, where the expanse there held answers and relief.
Yet behind them was a wide field of misinformation and misguided revelry. If only the souls could turn a deaf ear to their beckoning whispers to pass through that narrow space they might have found the same blissful ignorance and danced also in the field with reckless abandon.
But instead they're cued, waiting to be welcomed on the other side.
If you ever awake, feeling a like pressure and nothing you've seen or done has satisfied..,
Welcome to the Cue..."

CLOSED DOOR

BEattitude: "The hardest decision you will ever make is to 'Knock' or 'Not to Knock'.
Just know, some doors are closed for a reason and attempting to discover what's behind those closed doors deters Living Fully NOW on this side of the closed door.